Because I Knew You
by The King's Soldier
Summary: Sometimes your closest friend is also your greatest enemy. Morgana has long known her friendship with Guen to be her greatest weakness. But will that friendship be her destruction, or her salvation?
1. Weakness

Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin. If I did, it would probably be called Morgana. :)

Author's Note: Spoilers through season 3 (especially "Queen of Hearts" and "The Coming of Arthur Part 1"). This is going to be a three-shot with each part based on something Morgana knows about her friendship with Guen in season 3: 1) that Guen is her weakness, 2) that Guen will side with Arthur, and 3) that Guen will be her downfall. I try to stick to the show as much as possible, but some of it will be a little AU just because I don't think that Morgana could be friends with Guen that long and then suddenly not care for her anymore, even after being with Morgause for a year. Let me know what you guys think. Enjoy!

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**Weakness**

Morgana had always known that Guen was her weakness.

There had never been anything she would not do for her friend. It was for Guen that she had stood up to Uther and spent the night in the dungeon. It was in revenge for the death of Guen's father that she had first agreed to help kill the king. It was for Guen that she had let the knights drag her away from the druid camp and back to the prison that was Camelot. It was for Guen's sake that she kept her defiance as simple and as secret as possible. It was for Guen that she had fled their captors alone, and it was for Guen that she had begged Arthur to defy his father and find them again. It was for Guen that she had stayed in Camelot when she could have run. Because Guen was the one person in the whole world who she really truly cared about.

There had once been a time she had felt a strong kinship with Merlin. There was just something about him that was so easy to trust, to confide in. He had worked his way into her heart. But when he stabbed her in the back, she had forced herself to let him go. He had chosen his side.

Gaius was much the same. She liked the physician, she really did. He had been good to her over the years, far better than she deserved. But she knew from experience that he would stand by Merlin. He too would not hesitate to cut her down in the defense of his king. And that meant he would have to be dealt with.

Arthur had taken a bit longer to get over. As much as they fussed and argued, she really did love him deep down. He was the brother she never had. And in all honesty, they really were quite close, despite the way they acted. But she knew in her heart that he would stand by Uther. He always had. True, he had helped her smuggle Mordred out of the city. And it was true that he had gotten her out of the dungeon. And it was also true that he had defied his father to rescue Guen, among other things. But how many other executions had he watched in silence? How many others had he allowed to die? He would stand by Uther to the end, and that made him the enemy. It had taken her a few months to get used to the idea, but she had finally accepted it. If it came down to it, she knew she could kill him without hesitation. But she also knew it would probably haunt the corners of her mind for years to come.

Guen, however, had been another story. No matter how she tried, she simply could not accept the possibility of having to destroy Guen. Guen, her best friend, who had been kinder to her than anyone alive, who kept all of her secrets and had covered for her more times than she could count. Guen, who went out of her way to make her smile, who had pulled her from the nightmares and done her best to calm the raging fears, who had held her as she cried and joined her when she laughed. Guen, who had always been there, no matter what, and who had always trusted her. She simply could not bring herself to accept the idea of hurting her friend.

When she finally returned to Camelot, she had worn a carefully constructed mask. She had pretended to forgive Merlin and pretended to be overjoyed to see Uther. She had reminded herself not to let Arthur get to close or to buy too much into Gaius' kindness. But with Guen there had been no acting. She had wrapped her arms around her friend and held on tight as joyous tears ran down Guen's face, truly glad to be back in her friend's arms.

And then she had begun to walk the tightrope, trying to balance her friendship with what she knew had to be done. She had forced herself to lie to Guen despite the way it tore at her heart. She had been cruel and cold and distant on occasion, trying to keep Guen from getting farther into her heart. It never worked. She had watched Guen getting closer and closer to Arthur, knowing that someday she would have to break her friend's heart. And that thought nearly broke her own.

She had played along with Morgause, allowing Guen to be kidnapped and forced into the position of choosing between Arthur and Elyan. Then she had seen the marks on Guen's wrists, and she had felt her anger rising. The pain in Guen's eyes as she tried to choose had almost been too much to bear. Had she really done this to her? Somehow they had all come out of that one alive, and, despite the fact that Merlin had ruined it all, Morgana found that a small part of her was glad, if only because Guen was still smiling.

Then she had dreamed of Guen being crowned, and Morgause had urged her to break them up. She had expected her plan to get Guen banished. That came as no surprise. But when Arthur decided to go with her, Morgana had panicked. She had devised the poultice then, hoping to deter him. That had gotten Guen sentenced to execution. At first Morgana had thought she could live with it, but the thought of a life in Camelot without Guen had finally become too much. She had confronted Uther in private, insisting that Guen could not possibly be a sorcerer and begging him to spare her, but to no avail. Guen was doomed. And then the strange sorcerer had appeared to take responsibility for her actions, and Morgana had nearly wept with relief. But the damage, it seemed, had already been done. Guen pulled away from her and the warmth in her eyes dimmed, as though she suspected something. That was when the true realization had crashed down on Morgana. It would be impossible to hold on to Guen and still stand by Morgause and save Camelot from Uther. She was going to have to choose between them.

She awoke that night in tears, knowing what she would have to choose. Guen had been there like always, and after some hesitation she sat down beside Morgana and held her, trying to soothe her. Even after everything she suspected Morgana of doing, Guen still could not bear the sight of her crying. The feeling of her friend's arms around her just made Morgana cry harder. She knew that the day was soon coming when she would have to commit the act that Guen would find unforgivable, the act that would drive them apart forever. Part of her wished that day would never come. But even she could not stop time.

She had tried to distance herself after that. She had played the part of the old Morgana while secretly building walls against Guen. And then the time had finally come, the time when they would take Camelot and make Uther pay for his sins. Morgana had found Guen by the window just before the army attacked. Something in that moment had compelled her to reach out, to give her a chance, to ask her to join them. And so she had offered Guen the promise of safety if she stood beside her. And by some strange twist of fate, Guen had accepted.

Morgana knew in her heart that it could not last. She knew that if the moment came, Guen would turn on her. She knew her friend would never be able to forgive her for what she was about to do. But she was so desperate to hold to their friendship, so desperate for Guen to stand beside her, that she closed her eyes and let herself believe for just one moment that it was possible, that Guen would not stab her in the back like Merlin, that they could stand together as they always had. Even though she knew in her heart that it could never be.

Morgana had always known that Guen was her weakness. She knew she could afford to have none, that she had to let her go. But she could never quite bring herself to do it.

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Let me know what you think. If I get some decent feedback, I'll post the next part. :)

Also: Not really sure how I feel about the main title... If someone has another idea, let me know!


	2. Choice

Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin. Or Katie Mcgrath. Sad day.

Author's note: Spoilers through season 3 (especially "Queen of Hearts" and "The Coming of Arthur Part 1"). This is part two of my three-shot. Again, I am trying to stick to story as much as possible, but it is a little bit AU. Enjoy!

***Special thanks to dannic38 for reviewing Part 1. You made my day!***

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**Choice**

Morgana knew that if it really came down to it, Guen would choose Arthur.

There had been a time not long ago when Guen would have chosen her, hands down. But then something had begun to change, something Morgana could not control. Guen and Arthur had begun to fall for each other. It had been slow at first, but even before she left, Morgana could see the signs. At the time she had been happy for them and had even hoped that they would find a way to be together. Now it just made her jealous. And somewhere deep down it even made her sad.

Guen had been her best friend for years now. They had shared secrets and tears and laughter and everything in between. It had never bothered them that Morgana was the king's ward and Guen was the servant. They had quickly become each other's best friend, and it had stayed that way. They had dragged each other in and out of trouble more times than either of them could count (although usually it was Morgana doing the dragging). They had always sworn that they would stay friends no matter what, but Morgana had always known in the back of her mind that they would grow apart eventually. She had just never expected it to be quite like this.

Arthur really was a handsome catch, despite his prideful and obnoxious nature. Morgana knew that. And Guen really was a beautiful girl, even if she was just a maid. It was only a matter of time before Arthur noticed her. And there was a time when Morgana would have felt nothing but happiness for them. But things had changed. Arthur was the enemy now, whether she liked it or not. And if Guen sided with him, that meant she was too. And Morgana wasn't sure she could handle that.

She watched Guen and Arthur's relationship with growing sadness. She loved Guen so much. And if she was really honest with herself, she still cared about Arthur deep down. But she also knew she was going to have to destroy him. And she knew now that doing so would destroy Guen as well.

Things had changed in her absence. Guen and Arthur had grown closer, although they were forced to keep it a secret. There was a new friendship between them. If it had not been for the secrecy, Morgana suspected that Guen might have grown as close to Arthur as she had once been to Morgana. Guen, Arthur, and Merlin had all grown closer in that year. It was a whole year of memories that they shared that Morgana had no part of. Suddenly she felt like an outsider. And while she could convince herself that she didn't mind that on Arthur and Merlin's part, it did bother her to find that someone else might be closer to Guen than she was.

For a time Guen became her maid again, and things seemed to go back to the way they had been. For a time they were able to laugh together and talk together. Guen was the only one around whom Morgana hardly ever acted. With Guen she could be real. Guen was the one she had missed, the one she desperately hoped would support her when the time came to take Camelot away from Uther. The one she was desperate not to lose.

And then she began to notice the way Guen and Arthur looked at each other, the way they acted when they thought no one was watching. Part of her knew it then, but it was not until she saw them together in the field that she knew for certain that Guen was lost to her. Arthur had stolen her only remaining friend. With the exception of Morgause, she was now completely alone. And for some reason, that scared her.

She was standing near her window the day after Guen's release, looking out into the courtyard. Guen was talking about something, but Morgana was only half listening. Suddenly she could take it no longer. She had to know.

"If you had to choose between me and Arthur," she blurted, "who would you choose?"

"Milady?" Guen asked, completely taken aback.

"It would be Arthur, wouldn't it?" Morgana asked, turning around, her face carefully blank. Guen stared at her, then suddenly realized it was a serious question and tried to think.

"I..." She shook her head, staring at the floor as if she had no idea what to say.

"I thought so," Morgana said softly. She turned back to the window, trying to hide the fact that her heart was breaking.

"Morgana..."

"That will be all," Morgana said stiffly. Guen was silent for a long moment, and then she turned and left without a word.

Morgana cried that night. She cried because she had lost her best friend. She cried because Guen had become the enemy, and yet she couldn't stand the thought of hurting her. Guen held her and tried to comfort her, but that only made it worse. That was the last time she allowed herself to freely think of Guen as a friend. From that day on she tried to put up as many walls between them as she could. She simply could not afford to let her emotions get in the way.

And then she had seen Guen by the window and had offered her another chance: a chance to live, a chance to rethink her choice. And Guen had promised to support her. Morgana's heart had leaped at that, and she had hugged Guen as if there were no tomorrow. Maybe...

But deep down she knew it would not last. She knew Guen was only saying it to protect herself. When Arthur finally returned (when, not if), Morgana knew Guen would be quick to join him, to turn against her. It would be Merlin all over again. In her heart, Guen had already made her choice. And Morgana knew it would not be her.

She knew that if it really came down to it, Guen would choose Arthur. She had known for some time. But that didn't make it hurt any less.

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As always, reviews are much appreciated! :) Feedback = me posting Part 3.


	3. Salvation

Disclaimer: I still don't own Merlin, sadly.

Author's Note: Spoilers for season 3 (especially "The Coming of Arthur Part 1"). This one goes pretty AU, basically my take on how the season finale should go between Guen and Morgana. It may seem pretty cheesy, but I felt like they should have one last chance to make up before Morgana leaves Camelot. Enjoy!

***Special thanks to lily forever for reviewing Part 2.***

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**Salvation**

Morgana had long suspected that Guen would be her downfall.

Her maid was her one weakness, the sole chink in her armor. The only one who could get through her walls, the only one who could make her doubt, even regret. Guen was the one she believed in no matter what, the one who could still reach her when she was lost to all others. But Guen's heart belonged to Arthur. She knew that, she really did. But just as Uther had been blinded to her own potential for destruction, she allowed herself to turn the other way and hope that maybe, just maybe, Guen wouldn't betray her.

Morgause had warned her to watch herself, to not get too attached to Guen. But Morgana did it anyway. She knew firsthand how loyal Guen could be, how strong and steadfast, and a part of her was hoping that maybe that loyalty was still to her. In her heart she knew better. The gap between her and Guen had become a great gaping chasm, and there was no longer a way across. Guen was lost to her. She knew that. But she wasn't ready to accept it yet. And so she turned the other way. She gave Guen another chance, pretending that they could still be friends, pretending that she did not know that when the moment came it would be Guen's hand that held the knife.

They had their moment, she and Morgause. Their immortal army rained down on Camelot, and the battle was over almost before it had begun. Uther was usurped and the crown was placed on Morgana's head. Suddenly everything was right with the world. For a moment she allowed herself to believe that it could last, that the tyranny was over, that magic could finally be free. Finally the killing was at an end.

And then Arthur and his men came and it was all over. Merlin, idiotic bumbling Merlin, had somehow figured out how to break the immortality spell. One by one their great army fell apart. Someone had sent Arthur's men word, told them where everyone was and how the army was controlled. Someone had let them in to the castle and gotten them what they needed. Someone had pulled the carpet out from under Morgana. And as much as she wanted to deny it, she knew it had been Guen.

The attack on the throne room had been fast and furious. Morgause and Morgana had run, taking a series of side corridors and back hallways. The soldiers stayed behind, ready to fight to the death. They were mortal now. There was no going back. But they were still mercenaries at heart. They would live as victors or die in the attempt.

Morgause easily took out the few who got in their path. Morgana stole a sword from a dead body and fought beside her. The majority of the rebels were busy trying to retake the rest of the castle, and they met little resistance. Escaping was almost too easy.

They were nearly out when Morgause fell, a knife in her leg. Morgana turned, slicing through men like ribbons as she fought with sword and magic. She reached Morgause to find that her sister was unconscious and growing cold, fast. The knife had been poisoned.

Morgana pulled the knife out and began to work her magic as fast as she could, but she was running blind. Her powers were still weak, and she had very little knowledge of spells such as this. She could only hope it would work. They were in a little-used corridor far out of the way. If they just had enough time...

"Come on," she pleaded. "You have to be alright."

A group of men rounded the corner and Morgana sent them all flying with a single word. They crashed into the wall, their necks snapping. Morgause's breathing was almost nonexistent. Morgana was on the verge of panic.

Someone else ran around the corner and Morgana looked up, ready to crush them too. But her heart stopped when she saw who it was.

Guen.

The maid looked at Morgana, then at the unconscious Morgause, and then at the dead men lining the corridor.

"Are you going to kill me too?" she asked, standing tall, her voice steady and her gaze unwavering. Morgana stared at her hard, trying to find the strength to do it.

"I can't," she whispered finally, her voice breaking as she looked down. Guen seemed unsure what to do with this knowledge.

There was the sound of more men running down the adjacent corridor and Morgana held her breath, but they raced on by.

"Will she live?" Guen asked, her face and voice carefully guarded as she tried to decide what to do.

"I don't know," Morgana confessed. She could feel tears stinging her eyes. Unless something changed soon, her sister had very few breaths left. She touched the wound, trying another spell. Her eyes blazed, but there was no way of knowing if it would work.

"You let them in, didn't you?" Morgana asked, looking back up and trying to use the distraction to hold herself together. Guen said nothing. She didn't have to.

"Damn it, Guen!" Morgana cried suddenly, looking back down. "This is all your fault!"

"My fault?" Guen asked incredulously. All the lives lost in Camelot most certainly did not rest on her shoulders! She could feel her anger rising, but Morgana beat her to it.

"I could make myself hate Merlin, and Gaius, and even Arthur!" Morgana cried. "But you... You were the one person I could never hurt." She looked back down at her sister, desperate for some reaction. There was none.

Morgana was trapped, and she knew it. She could not run and leave her sister to die, but neither could she kill Guen. And yet if she let Guen go, the maid would surely alert the others and their chances of escape would vanish. She was going to have to decide whose life she valued more.

"Morgana?" Guen asked softly, taking a very tentative step forward. Something about the conflicting emotions warring on Morgana's face had reawakened her old instinct to protect her charge.

And then suddenly Morgause began to breathe again. It was barely noticeable at first, and then the rise and fall of her chest gradually became more obvious. She was coming back around. Morgana looked ready to cry with relief.

Morgause's eyes opened and Morgana helped her to sit up.

"You should have left me," Morgause said, trying to sound stern and failing.

"I couldn't," Morgana said softly. Morgause touched her sister's cheek, and Morgana smiled just a little.

"You should go," Guen said.

The sisters' heads jerked up as they suddenly remembered Guen. Morgause stiffened, trying to decide how much of a threat the maid posed.

"I'll buy you some time," Guen said softly, her mind suddenly making itself up.

"What?" Morgana asked, looking utterly confused.

"You asked me to choose between you and Arthur, and I can't do it," Guen said. After all that Morgana had done, there had been something in that moment that reminded Guen of the old Morgana. Suddenly she had realized that person was still there. She was hiding behind walls of stone, but she was there nonetheless. And something in Guen could not bring herself to hurt that Morgana, much less kill her. It would probably be the biggest mistake she ever made, but Morgana had risked everything for her more than once and it was time to return the favor.

She turned to go as Morgause got to her feet.

"Guen, wait!"

Morgana stepped over to her as if to touch her, but then she froze, not sure what to do.

"Thank-you," she said finally. Guen nodded and smiled sadly.

"Morgana," Morgause said quietly. "We need to go."

"I'm sorry," Morgana blurted, catching Guen's hand as her friend turned away again. "I'm so sorry for everything." There were unshed tears glistening in her eyes.

Guen hesitated a moment, and then reached out and hugged Morgana tightly. Morgana returned the embrace. They both knew this would not be the last time they saw each other, but it was the last time they would be together as friends. The next time they met they would both be on different sides of a war. They had shared so much together over the years. But this was where it finally ended.

Morgana gave her friend one final squeeze before making herself let go. She forced a smile, and Guen smiled back despite the two tearstains on her cheeks. For one precious moment she had her Morgana back. For one precious moment they were together again.

"You're a good friend," Morgana said sincerely, taking Guen's hand in her own. Her face was dry, but her eyes were wet. "Far better than I deserve."

The sound of running footsteps echoed up the corridor.

"Go," Guen said, squeezing her friend's hand before stepping back. "Hurry!"

Morgana turned and she and Morgause took off running down the corridor. At the corner she looked back for a moment. Guen was still standing there, watching. As soon as they turned the corner she heard Guen running out into the main corridor and taking off in the other direction, shouting that Morgana had gone that way.

Soon the sisters were outside the city. They headed into the forest, Morgause already forming a plan of where they would go and who they could trust. At the edge of the forest Morgana turned and looked back for a moment. Once she entered that forest she would be leaving everything behind. Her memories, her life, her friend. Her rescue by Morgause had been the start, but this would be the real thing. She would no longer be Morgana the king's ward. She would be Morgana Pendragon, sorceress and very real threat to Camelot.

Then again, maybe she wouldn't have to be a threat. One way or another Uther's reign would end, and then Arthur would be king. Between Arthur and Guen, maybe magic stood a chance. Maybe there would be no need to defy a king who meant their kind no harm. Maybe then the bloodshed would finally stop. Maybe then she would finally be able to be the person she had always wanted to be but had never had the chance to: herself.

After a moment she turned and followed her sister into the forest. There was no way to know what the future held, but at least she and Morgause were both alive. It was a start.

Morgana had long suspected that Guen would be her downfall. It had never occurred to her that her friend would also be her salvation.

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Please review and let me know what you thought! :)


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